Let what you love be what you do

Mosaic Little People Cross

Special order

Special order

My first post on the new website! Here is a cross I just completed for a friend. Pura Vida….Pure life. I make and then paint each little person by hand. About once a year I sit down for a month and paint about 3,000 little people. Each year they always morph a bit. Nothing ever stays exactly the same…in life or in art.

This is the medium size, but there is a smaller size and a giant size. This one is sold for $225.00 plus shipping and tax. To take a look at more, go to my etsy store tab at the bottom of my banner.image

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Secrets….Why do we keep them?

Secrets…..we all have them.  Why?  What good do they do us?  I know that we as human beings do not want others to think less of us.  We fear being shunned, thrown out of the group or mocked.  But maybe we really feel that people will not understand.  They will think less of us.  We fear that someone we love would turn their back on us and walk away….well, here’s a news flash…..they are not your friend!

I am an open book.  I was just made that way.  I don’t have secrets……I have shared everything with at least one person I know.  The more ashamed I am with the secret, the safer the person I tell.   Why?  I can not take the pressure that secrets press on me.  I have learned who is safe to share them with ….I have learned to just keep my head held high and be honest.

Why am I honest?  Well, I learned that no one is perfect.  If they pretend that they are, they are just covering up secrets.  Ok, I hope that works for them.  I hope the load is bearable.  I hope the secrets do not manifest and eat away at their insides.  That is what secrets do you know.  Now, I am not telling you to share everything with everyone…I tried that, it does not work well.  What I am saying is…have the courage to unload your heart’s aches to a safe person, even if you have to pay for it by the hour.

Here are some examples:

When I was 18, I walked into my Mom’s library one day and saw her crying.  “What’s wrong?”, I asked.  She slowly looked up at me with tears streaming down her face and said, “I am crying because today is your brother’s birthday, He would have been 21 years old.”  “BROTHER…WHAT BROTHER?”, I said.  I was in shock.  I thought I was an only child.  I thought I was the oldest child after my half brother was born.  My mind was reeling!  Seeing the pain in my eyes, she shared more.  “Three years before you were born, your father and I had a baby boy named Tres (Short for Naud Burnett III) and he died one night while we were at a party that I did not want to go to…He was only 5 weeks old.  They said it was crib death.”, she said.   “I had a brother?  Why have you never told me?  How could you…never had told me?”, I asked.  She was silent for a while.  She was thinking of the right thing to say, then she said, “I didn’t want his death to affect your life.”  What did that mean?  I guess she did not want me to share in her pain of losing a child, my brother.  OR Was she harboring some type of guilt for being at a party instead of home where she might or might not have been able to save him? She had not wanted to go, but she did.  Had she taken the blame and burden of his death on her own head?  Was that her secret that she really was not sharing?

Carol G.Burnett

Secrets…sometimes we keep them inside because we can’t share the guilt or the pain of them.  We want to either spare hurting someone else or we want to keep the pain all to ourselves.  Those secrets are so private and deep, that it takes years before we can reveal them…..But I think there is healing when we finally let them out.  I think sharing the pain allows the grief to subside a bit.

Next example:

My oldest son came to me several times in Junior High and High school.  He would come sit on the side of my bed.  With his elbows on his thighs and his head bent down looking at the floor, he would say, “There is something I want to tell you….but I can’t….I just can’t.”  Now a mother’s heart falls to her toes and then races back up to her chest and pounds.  “What is it Chas?  What’s wrong”, I would ask…no, it was more like pleading.  He would just look at the floor, shake his head back and forth and say, “I want to tell you but I just can’t.”  I would ask questions like, “Is it the drugs?  Are you gay? Did you get someone pregnant?  I was trying to think of any thing that would be hard to admit. I kept pleading, “What is it Chas, you have to tell me!!!  Tell me!”.

He could never reveal his secret.  All his answers to my previous questions were no.  I had no idea what was tormenting my son.  He just could not open up.  He did the same thing to his brother several times during the college years.  He wanted us to know, but when it was time to share, he just could not do it.  What was it?  We will never truly know.  Nine months ago he committed suicide.  What ever it was, as a mother I feel it might have played a part in his leaving.   Was it a mental issue or depression?  Maybe.  Was it something else?  I believe that some Secrets can finally kill you.  If he had opened up and gotten help for what was wrong, maybe he would be alive and thriving right now.  That is what goes through my mind.  But he didn’t do that.  He remained silent.  He kept the secret. Now I have to live with not fully knowing the secret.  It is hard, but one day when I get to heaven he will tell me, if the answer is even important then….

Secrets what good are they really?  They eat away at you and you just relive the pain over and over.  Why?  Why do we do this to ourselves?  What good is there in that?

Next example:

I was in a volatile marriage.  I would reach out to people with the truth of what was going on in my personal life and how it was affecting me.  I  watched people shun me.  I watched people turn their back on me.  I became increasingly withdrawn.  Dark circles under my eyes and weight loss had me looking horrible. I stopped being involved in the community.  I was going into a black hole of despair.  Finally I got the courage to file for a divorce and build a safe home for myself and my children.  I found a counselor, talked to my pastor, attended Al-anon meetings and found that I had a handful of solid friends who were going to walk this nightmare out with me.  Sharing my secrets did not work with people who were not true friends, even if I thought they were.  Lesson learned.

I had to talk to someone who could lead me out of this black hole I found myself living in or I was not going to make it.  I had to share secrets that kept eating away at my mind.  I had to heal from all the the chaos I had gotten used to.  I had to heal from all the verbal abuse scars and fears that had been a part of my everyday existence.   It has taken me 10 years.  I have read over 100 books on the subjects from self help, Boundaries and Books by Max Lucado and others.  I have taken nuggets from everything I have read that applied to the problems inside me and put them into use.  I have crawled out of the black hole,  I continually dismiss the lies said about me and I continue to moved on.  Is it easy?  Heck NO!  One step forward two steps back in the beginning.  I have cried enough to fill a baby pool.  I have listened to tapes in my head of the verbal abuse until I finally threw them away as trash.

Today I help other people who are in or have been in the same ugly nightmare I once lived in.  I can help others a tiny bit with what I have learned and what worked for me.  I share my secrets now to show someone else that they are not alone.  I have walked in your shoes.  I have felt your feelings.  I can share your pain.

*** Isn’t that what life is really about?  Going through life is messy, filled with trials and problems.  What good are those events if you do not help someone else through them?  What good are the things you learned if you don’t share them?

It takes courage to be honest!  Some people can’t do it.  I understand.  I pray there will be a time that they can.  You can not heal unless you get your wounds tended to.  Asking for help or sharing is a way to expose the wound so someone might have the salve to put on them.  Those of us who run away from the wounds are afraid of the sight of them.  They are just weak, not bad people.  They don’t know what to do.  Find someone who does!  Don’t give up!  Keep searching for help and the answers.  Keep opening up to people who have the salve.  Keep looking for healing!!!!

Secrets….why do we keep them?  What good use are they?

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Why friendships are so important

Friendship.  It conjurers up so many pictures in my mind with each unique friend I have.  We all have our definition of friends.  For example, there are friends on Facebook, friends at work or at that volunteer organization.  There are friends since grade school, since high school or college.  There are friends through your spouse and children.  All these friends are important to me.  I am not excluding a single one from my heart but this post is about that Special friend.  That “one tap” ……instant connection on your iPhone….. favorites list…… kind of friend….. Best Friends.

My best friend, my husband

Best friends…..that it what I want to talk about.  Those people who don’t run away from you when your life gets messy.  They have no age limit…they are all ages.  When you feel like giving up, they come along side you. They seem like Superwoman or Batman and are fearless.  If they can’t pick you up, they sit beside you until you can stand.  Those friends are the ones I treasure the most.  They love me when I’m not loveable.  They do things for me without my asking for any help.  They show up and love me.  Who of your own friends are you seeing in your mind right now?

 Charlsa, my surrogate momma BFF…I am a lucky girl

I want to know, what it is about me, that they love.  I know why I love them, but why do they love me?  What makes me so special in their hearts.   Will I ever be able to live up to the image they have of me within my own heart?  Why is it we can’t fully see ourselves the way our friends do?  We see our faults.  Friends say I am beautiful and I can’t fully accept that.  Why?  Maybe because I see each and every flaw.  They must be talking about more than the outside of me, they must see the whole picture.  The inside as well as the outside…..

Degen …my old wise soulmate

Ah, there we have it.  Our friends.   It is their heart, mind and soul we fall in love with.  We are drawn to people who share the same views on life that we do and who have the same morals and values as we do.  We share a love of something, a passion and or a heartache.  We share something.  We have something in common.

Elizabeth…a tender heart of gold

And yet, so many of my friends never shared the same things in their life as I have when we first became friends.  But, over time, our lives started to intersect.  Their husbands had issues, or their children, or their parents or they had troubles.  We began to see we were always meant to be friends because we could relate to one another.  The more that happened to each one of us, the deeper the friendship grew.  The more our friendships became a life vest to us both.  We had a safe place to go, where we could be understood and be loved despite the ugly goings on in and around us.  We were there for each other.  Through good and bad.  We were not leaving each other.  We needed each other too much at times.

TCU !  Carolyn, Me, Terry, and Tammy…My sisters by choice!

Ah, friends.  The great thing is, we can loose touch over 30 years, but when we see each other again, it’s still there.  The magic of love.  The magic that happens when two people still care about each other.  How does that happen?  It is a mystery to me.  How can the years seem to vanish as we catch up with our lives?  I can still see the young girls in my High School and College friends.  I can still see what drew me to them in the first place.  It was their hearts.  Open and yearning to be loved in return.  It was their kindness and/or their strength.  We learned from each other.  We took the best parts of our friends and tried to let those parts become a part of us so that we could become the person we wanted to be.

  As Time has marched on, they have reappeared in my life.  They have walked beside me during the most difficult walk.  It was a walk to bring awareness to prevent suicide.  They kept me talking and walking.  They brought laughter to a silent and heart wrenching hour.  They were there to walk beside me, to offer support.  They were not asked to come.  They just came!  They drove from another city and meet me there.  They wanted to help me through that difficult moment.  Wow…….  Just Wow!

Hockaday friends! Sharon, me & Suzanne

Then there are those friends who do not live near by, but it’s almost like they live with you each day.  Those friends that call you every single day after your child dies.  They called for weeks every single day.  They are there.  They took the time to stop their own life and check on yours.  No matter how horrible the things I had to face that day, they did not run.  They faced them with me.  Each and every day.   They gave me strength to keep going, to keep facing all the ugly, to keep breathing.

Friends….. They are like having a small piece of God with skin on.  They do not forsake you.  They love you even when you feel awful.  They see your heart and they love you for it.  They are willing to share your burdens and if possible they would carry them for you for a while so you could have some relief.  Wow…just Wow!

Tammy….From pot luck roommate to Forever Sister…

How did I get this lucky?  How did I find these people?  How did they find me?

I think God places people in your path that he knows you will need more and more as life goes on. I think a Deep friendship is a miracle.  He wants you to have help.  He does not want us to be alone.

 I know when all my friends are asleep and I have no one else to talk to  I will talk to God the most.  I do it during the day a lot, but I never am still enough to listen.  But at night I listen.  And I hear him sometimes.  He loves me the most of anyone in my life.  He can see right into my heart and mind.   He knows me.  And how can he still love me?  It is a miracle, the miracle of unconditional love.  The love a mother has for her children.  It is just there.  Grafted into the fiber of every cell.  No matter how much they hurt you, you can’t stop loving them.  That is God’s love for all of us.  Wow…..Just Wow…..

Vickie and her Daughter June “Bug”

So…..here are the faces of some of my closest and dearest friends.  They are on my favorites list in my phone…why, because we talk a lot.  We are just a tap way from each other…. You have your own scrap book pictures of your friends, your own favorites in your phone…..I know.  And I share in your joy of having them in your life!

 I pray that I can be just as good of a friend as my friends have been to me.  I pray I can can have their strength and wisdom.  I want to become more like them.  As we grow each year, may we become the best parts of each other.  May the God of heaven give and put in us the parts of him that we need to share with others here on earth.

Marcus, me and Ali….my babies and best friends

 ” Oh, God, give me a pure heart.  Give me the courage to not fear and to be a blessing to people.  Let not my heart be troubled, but may I be a friend to all who need me today….amen”

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Furry Friday – Week 7 of The Kittens

Well, everyone has grown, developed a personality and has pretty much driven me crazy a time or two now.  They are so sweet when they are either asleep or just waking up.  This morning I awoke at 5am, drug myself to the coffee maker, and began loading everything to drink my first cup of brain food.  All of the sudden a kitten walked over my foot.  I looked down to witness another kitten crawl out from under the dishwasher…then another….then another.  Kitten Cockroaches!!!!  Crazy cats.

They are sleeping less now and they are not sound sleepers.  They awake easily and I can’t place them in a fun positions while they are unconscious, so I have to catch those natural moments….not easy I might add…..

They all have kept their blue eyes so far and their noses, ears and tails all turned dark.  The only way I can tell them apart easily is that everyone’s feet are different!  Yep, either white paws…Ali’s cat, Round and more furry….Maddie’s cat, Half dark back feet or all dark back feet….these two also have homes but I’m waiting for the owners to choose.

So I only have one more week of kitten crazy…..relieved yet sad at the same time.  These little balls of fur have been a happy moment in an otherwise difficult year.  I have tried to enjoy all the smiles they have given me.

I have taken pictures all the time, hoping to catch a good picture to share.  And now I have a great video….  It is called ” 0 to 80 until someone hits the emergency break”!  So here it is.

Next week will be the last post of the kittens since they will all be going to their forever homes!   I will try to get pictures of them with their new moms…..I wonder if I can get visitation privileges put into a contract?  Lol. 

I hope Kitty takes all her babies leaving ok…..She has been an outstanding mother (surprised me!) who will go look for her babies and take naps with them.  I feel very guilty giving her babies away….From one mother to another…..I know It’s hard to loose your children……..

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Furry Friday – Week 6

Well, the kittens have become active tiny cats this week.  They have begun eating solid Kitten chow, drinking water like crazy and their skills have really exploded.  I can hear purring and they now try to clean themselves.  Poor Mom is slowly coming to grips that her babies are growing up, but she still is feeding them herself.  She looks so happy laying there. 

Coordination is still developing, but it is so cute watching them jump and land spread eagle as they hit the floor! Climbing and stalking skills are alive and well now.  It is becoming increasingly difficult to get a good photo of them because they are always in motion.  Here are a few that had a low blur factor! 

Franklin has a new forever home…..

Now, I think I have one female spoken for….I’m begging my husband to let me keep one, so there is still one more Kitten that needs a home……I have given them all daily kisses, rubs and hugs….so they will all be quite loveable to their new family.  

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Life has me drained

Do you ever feel like you have used up all your energy?  Your limp and weak.  You have done the laundry, worked a while and then you can’t do anything else.  That happens to me.

I think that is when I turn on the music.  Some symphony CD or I get on the computer and go to http://www.klove.com and turn on their live radio feed and I just listen to something that fills me back up.  Sometimes we just use everything up.  It is time to fill up the spirit, the soul.  It is not an instant filling.  It takes time to recharge.  Life has drained me.  My mind has depleted all that I have. 

What do I do with this time?  I try to figure out what has happened.  Have I had sleep?  Have I eaten?  Have I tried to do everything on my own?  Or, do I just need to sit and be quiet a while?  Usually it is one or all of these things.

 So, it’s time to re-charge.  It’s only 2:40pm…and I need to recharge already?  Yep.  I have been sucked dry already. I have done my own physical therapy on my shoulder and created a table full of crosses.   I have tried to make up a month’s worth of work in a solid morning.  I felt like I was a slacker despite being paralyzed for a month because I froze my shoulder in a dumb accident at home.   It’s time to call it a day.  My arm is really tired and so is my spirit.  Sometimes that happens to me.  Does it happen to you?

So….I just thought I would share that it is O.K. to stop and rest.  It’s O.K. not to be superwoman everyday.  It’s O.K. to tend to yourself and say, “I can’t do anymore.”   Tonight or  tomorrow I can take care of the rest of the laundry.  Right now I am going to take care of myself.  Right now I am going to feel sad and miss my first born son, I’m going to hug my other son, and I am going to get rest so I can be supermom for my daughter tomorrow when she comes home to visit.  There it is, I figured it out.  I just need my family close today.  I just need some hugs and kisses and I’ll be better tomorrow.  Sometimes it’s just love that fills us back up.  So, I’ll go shed a few tears alone, take a nice long warm shower and come out ready to filled back up…..  This too shall pass.   Nothing lasts forever while I am here on earth.  This feeling will pass. 

Do you ever feel like this????

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Furry Friday – Week 5

Well…..Kitty freaked out. Her babies have become so mobile and loved being free to roam out of their box this past week.  She paced around frantically for a few days.  Intently watching them and protecting them from the other cats and dog in the house.  When she thought they were getting a little too far from the box, too often, she picked each one up and carried them to a back storage closet.  On top of a pile of stuff!

On NOOOOO…..not safe I told her.  (Like she understood?)  So I grabbed the box, put it in my own closet in my room and put all her babies back in it with the top up.  She is much happier, but they are not.  They want out to roam.  Ah, being a mother is hard.  You want to protect your babies as long as you can.  You want to keep them safe and out of harm.

So, now this weeks pictures are limited because she will not leave them long enough for me to let the out to roam.  The box is in the dark recesses of the closet.   But does that stop me?  Heck no.  Here are some pictures.  But I will tell you, they are really growing in their walking skills, have started purring, beg me to pick them up now and on Tuesday one started eating the mushy kitten chow I fixed up.  Ah, progress.  They are growing up.  Before we all know it, they will be jumping out of the box themselves.  Roaming free and making their mother a nervous wreck.  Can anyone who has children relate to this?  I know I can.  Motherhood…..amazing how love and protection crosses the boundaries of species…..

Here is YouTube video         https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aIew6Z2omuw

Well, she took them back to the storage room Wednesday night.   Poor things are going to fall down and she is going to spend all her time trying to get them back on top of all the junk.  I don’t think she thought this thoroughly out.  I think she just reacted by letting her fears take over. I can relate!  Been there, done that….It didn’t help, just made me crazy. Lol.  So anyone in West Texas want a kitten?  Leave me a comment.  They are sweet!

I DID IT!!!!  I uploaded a video and put music to it!!!!! Yahoo!  It’s is the little hurddles in life that you climb over that makes a day feel good!  Watch it!

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Dealing with my child’s suicide after praying God, save my son. – Part 1

Suicide.  You hear that someone has done that and your heart aches.  How could someone do that you ask.  God put in all of us the will to survive.  How could someone come to that point?  This is a three Part series…..

Mom and Chas 2011

When my son committed suicide in August of 2013, I was in shock.  I immediately got in the car and drove to the side of my other children.  For 6 hours I tried to wrap my head around what had happened,  it was like I was just on auto pilot.  Shock is a wonderful thing.  You go numb.  You do what you have to.  At least that is how I react.

Marcus and Ali.  Chas’ siblings

My second son called me every hour.  ” Mom, I need you, when are you going to get here?”  My heart was aching for my surviving children more than for myself at that point.  My focus was on them and being there to hold them through this unimaginable pain.  When I arrived my son and daughter fell into my arms.  I will never forget that moment.  The first words out of their mouth was, ” it’s not your fault.”  You see, my oldest son began a downward spiral when I had filed for a divorce in 2003.  He was angry.  Really, really angry.  Drugs became his escape or a punishment to his father and me.  I tried to make him stop.  I tried everything, but to no avail.   There were other mental issues.  Some of which I guess about some I could figure out as manic depression.  Whether the mental issues were always there or brought on by the drugs, I don’t really know.

Chas in High School

Two weeks before Chas was to graduate high school, he was becoming increasingly volatile.  I had to make a decision to either sacrifice the safety and peace of myself and my other children in order to save one child that I also loved deeply.  We were living in a scary place…   I had to do the tough love thing.  I finally had to say there is the door, please leave.  It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  My other two children immediately said, ” You had to do it Mom,  We couldn’t live like that anymore.”  I really thought that would wake him up.  I really thought he would come back asking for help.  He didn’t.

I lost my son that day.  I have mourned having him in my life since 2007.  We did have a few short moments together, but they were always shadowed by his anger and addiction. The last Mother’s Day card said he had been clean for 3 months and that he would call me in October.  It never happened. ….

Chas Haynes

Then my other son, Marcus, said “Chas wants to see you mom, tomorrow at the restaurant for lunch”.  My prayers had come true.  He wanted to reconnect.  He was doing better.  That was the first of July 2013.  He was managing a small restaurant.  He looked so good.  He had lost weight, looked healthy and seemed calm although he was nervous to see me.  He was gracious and kind to everyone he served that day.  I thought, ” he’s going to be ok.”  I was happy and proud of him.  Neither one of us really knew what to say to each other that day.  I asked him to call me, but he said he couldn’t do that yet.  What did that mean?  I was later to hear from his best friend, that Chas wanted to call me when he had done something with his life that I could be proud of.  “Oh. Oh, no.  I am proud of you right now”, I thought.

 You see, Chas was not proud of himself yet. He had lost years of his life in the hell he swallowed.  Every time he made strides forward, he would fall back into his hole.  Now, He was striving to be what the world thought of as a success.  How devastating is that!  If only I had said something to have made him feel that he was doing great.   If only I had done something to make him feel that he was successful already.  If only….that is the nagging thought.  What did I not do?  I should have been able to help him, I was his mom.  That is my job to protect, to encourage, to help.  Chas was 25.  He was a man, not a child.  I could not protect him anymore.  I could not help or save him.  That is the heavy burden I carry.

Ali, Marcus and Chas.

I stood up at his memorial and spoke of the child and boy I admired and loved.  I wanted everyone to see the person that Chas was deep down inside.   I wanted to give my son a voice.  I made it through it by not looking up at a huge church filled with people.  I made it through by my shear will to defend and protect the memory of my child.  Unconditional love.  It is a powerful thing.  No matter how you have been hurt by someone, you can not stop loving them.  I loved Chas unconditionally, but I don’t know if he knew that.  He was so disappointed and angry with himself.

Suicide is a black whole of self loathing and despair.  It is a place where it is better to be gone than to live another moment with pain.  That is what hurts, that my son was in that place.  Even though so many loved him, he could not embrace it.  So now, those of us left here on earth have to live with the pain of his loss every single day.  We have to live with the questions of why.  We have to go through the process of grieving, denial, anger then acceptance.    I have to watch my other two children hurt.  My daughter will talk to me sometimes, but not often.  That hurts me.  My surviving son will not talk about it now.  That terrifies me.  How do I help them?

I try to help by bringing up what I know is true.  Chas is not dead, but alive in heaven.  Our grieving is selfishness, because Chas is at last happy and at peace with God.  He is just in another place where we can not see him, but he is not gone.  He is there, waiting for us to join him after our long lives.  He is there.  That is how I have survived his suicide.  Without my faith in an eternal life through Jesus, I could not have survived this.

Easter is next weekend.  This year, 8 months after my son’s death, it is not about Easter eggs or where we will go for lunch after church.  This year it is all about Jesus and eternal life.  This year it is about living even though your body no longer breathes.  It is about God’s amazing grace and love for my children, myself and and the world.  It is about hope and not fearing what happens when I take my own last breath.

Why is it so hard for people to just admit that they are not in control of things?  I learned that I can not control anyone or any thing outside of my own fingers and toes.  I can reach out and try to help, but in the end, we are helpless to save anyone if they don’t want saving,  I can not be good enough to earn my way into heaven.  It’s not a contest.  It is a gift that is given by believing in the simple truth, that sin is in all of us.  It can not be taken out by ourselves.  Only the son of God could do that.   Jesus proved who he was when he rose from the dead and spoke.  Some will say it never happened, but what they mean is I refuse to believe it.  Hard to believe someone like that really ever existed?  Why is that so hard for people to believe?  It was written down in history through many nations.  It was eye witnessed.  Prayers are answered today and miracle still happen.  I feel sorry for those who refuse to even try to believe the truth.  They are so lost in only what they can control, or they are so angry with God for something he didn’t do, that they turn away from him.

How can I still love God when my prayers to him everyday for years was, “God, please save Chas.” ?  I was thinking of God saving Chas from what was tormenting him.  I was thinking God save him from dying before I do.  But you see, we all die one day.  I can see that God does not use us like puppets.  He does not seek to control us.  He has given us a free will to do that which is good or evil.  God did save my son.  He saved him and he lives in heaven for eternity.  How do I know?  I heard God tell me one night as I was praying, “Assuredly  I tell you, he is with me.”  I know it was God because when I heard this I was shocked and overwhelmed.  This was not me thinking, this was God speaking.  Hard to believe?  Not for those who hear God it’s not.

Today I still hurt that there will never be another moment to hug.  There will never be another moment to look into his eyes and tell him I love him here on earth.  These are all my selfish desires.  I take a deep breath and say, ” ah yes, there is going a day when I will hold him and tell him I love him.  Just not right this moment, but one day soon.”  Life is short.  Days and weeks and months have flown by since Chas left earth.  I have to keep my eyes on what will be one day.  I have to hold onto hope and remember all the God moments that have happened to me that show me that God is alive, he is real and faith is all true.  I have come too far to loose faith.  I know too much now to despair.  Am I strong?  No, just determined.  I have many moments of weakness, but I refuse to give up.  I am determined to not be deceived by this world and to stay on the side of truth.  I know that God is real.  I know that Jesus really was here on earth, that he died and rose from the dead.  I know that what he told us to do really does work.

Just because you can not see air, does not mean that it is not right in front of your face.  Just because you can not see love until it is expressed does not mean it is always bubbling inside of you and alive.  I can not make anyone believe the truth.  All I can do is try to help you.  The rest is your decision.  I hope you make a good choice.  I hope you live and never die even after your last breath.  “God, save whoever is reading this, amen” 

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Furry Friday- week 4

The kittens have really grown!  They are standing taller on their legs, the ears have opened and have grown so much.  Their teeth have come in and dark bits of color are on the ear tips and tails….. Daddy was definitely the simese at the end of the block.  Frank, the one and only little boy is the most adventurous and the sweetest.   Then two sisters have followed his lead.  Only one little girl likes to hang out in the box with momma.

This week I turned the box on it’s side so the kittens could start exercising.   When I sit down and start talking to them, three come staggering out everytime.  I still have high hopes for the fourth. Yesterday I heard two of them purr.  Amazing how each day they are getting their cat on!  All week they have begun to interact and start playing with each other.  It’s like watching a 6-9 month old child trying to bring a Toy to her mouth.  Not very coordinated, but so cute!

I put down some water and today I am going to introduce some kitten chow soaked In water.  I have filled an old cake pan with kitty litter in high hopes to start potty training this week.  The poor momma looks so skinny, but she has been a fantastic mother.  When the kittens are voicing their fears outside the box, she is watching them so intently and talks back to them to reassure them that she is right there.  Once in a while she will walk over and grab one and take it back into her box.  She does not like me to take them to the other room at all.  If I put the baby down to get a photo, she will grab it before I can get off one picture!

So here are this weeks pictures.  I am a little impaired with a frozen shoulder and a few herniated disks in my neck, but that could not stop me.

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Furry Friday – week 3

Well the kittens have opened their eyes, ears and tails turning dark and they are meowing like crazy!  The last few days they have begun to stand and walk.  I keep tryin to take them out of th box, but mom will gab one and put it back in the box!

Action shot mom grabbing baby before I could take a candid shot!

Bella is feeling put out by the kittens

I’m hoping this next week I can let them start roaming around.

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